Hiatus...

I kinda feel like the happier and more settled I am getting in my life makes me think I will put this blog on hiatus. Other than my confused feelings for someone in my life, I just don’t really have anything I can share with the world or even myself. I’ve had so many up’s and downs and just general crap since I began this blog and in case you haven’t noticed, one I got rid of the poisonous people in my life, it improved so greatly. I know that I’m no closer to finding the love I crave but I feel good about it. I’m happy with who I am and the steps I’m taking to be the person I truly want to be.

I don’t know where I will find myself in the year 2010 or what path life will take me down but I do know that Im going to be ok. One day I may work out if I have feelings for someone or I might meet the guy of my dreams. I can only hiope that when I do its as easy as love can be. Im still going to follow everyones blogs and be there if youu ever want to know more details of my life. I have a feeling I will be back in 2010 cause im going to be going on a holiday at the end of the year that may change my world. Wish me luck J

Have a fantastic Christmas and New Years everyone. Cant wait to see what the world has in store for us all..

Just remember… “Vivere Senza Rimpianti”… “To live with no regrets”

Christmas is a coming!

Ahh I find myself thinking about him more and more and I know that im just setting myself up for heart break. Its one of those situations when you just know its not going to happen. At the same time I sit there and I’m like am I just manifesting this because it feels like I should.. People talk about this all the time. GRRR!! Can somebody please just give me the answers? I don’t want to feel this way and its like the more I manifest it the more I don’t think that it can happen. There’s so many things or people that stand in the way or that would get hurt its just craziness. I need some advice people!

Man Christmas is soooo close at the moment. It’s unbelievable how quickly this year has passed. I have so many more people to buy presents for and stuff as well. Like I want to get Josh and Bree and Noah something and I want to get Heidi and Neil and kaylah something. I’m just loving life so much at the moment. It’s fantastic. Happiness really does find you I guess. And you have to work for it sometimes and go through the rough stuff to come out on the other side but it feels like it’s worth it that’s for sure. I have no idea what im going to get Carl and Shane for Christmas!

Musings of an insane mind!

Seriously I think I have a crush. And I totally don’t know what the fuck im going to do about it, I’m pretty sure I’m just manifesting it in my head because its been suggested to me. But when I’m not in that frame then I feel fine ya know? God I hope no one I know ever reads this because despite the fact I don’t think anyone could figure it out.. I still would never want this to be out there. I truly do put my innermost feelings in this blog for the world to see. My every little thought or musing or question about myself and others is on here.. ugh I need to get over this and stop thinking about it!

Live the life you love!

So I finally got some good news about my job. I work for a crazy large company and they have been doing some major restructuring in recent times and everyone in my department has to re apply for a new position etc and we are competing. My boss called me into her office like two days ago and told me to sit down and I looked at her and was like well your making me nervous and she then proceeded to tell me that I wouldn’t have to reapply for my job and that I’ve been guaranteed a new position which is better than the one I’m in now with more money! I am over the moon I have to say! And she said all this nice stuff about me having management potential and stuff like that so it was all gravy. I’m so happy at the moment it’s fantastic!

Ugh I keep having dreams about that person and its driving me nuts! I don’t want to think about that in that way you know like seriously man haha. But all gravy I can deal with it.

Apparently there is a video of me on facebook! That’s a first. My life is just so fantastic at the moment. I’m having so much fun and I’m so active and I just love life and finally feel like I’m living it to the full. I’m a little nervous as summer soccer starts tonight so I will be going to watch my boys play and look after the babies while everyone is playing and I’m going to be part of the team from now on which is pretty cool lol. I just really dont want to have to deal with any of the bitches formally known as friends. I was very glad to be asked to play. I know it sounds corny but I feel like I’ve finally found the place I’m meant to be in life.

It seems uber cheesy for me to be saying that but over the last few months as you’ve probably seen from my posts, unless those whores worm there way back in or try and project their drama onto me then I don’t really have any other than life’s little niggles that everyone has if you know what I mean? I guess I’m probably tempting fate by saying this but meh its worth it.

I LOVE LIFE!!

I had a dream about him the other night. It was the first time I had ever truly seen him in that way and I woke up wondering what the fuck is going on in my head at the moment. I have these fleeting moments when I think hmm maybe we could be something but then I cant imagine kissing him or hugging him and for me that a sign ya know?

Shane had a jealous rant and a rave on Saturday night because Tony was there and he was way to drunk. He went into find the remote for the sky(like cable I guess) and couldn’t so he turned all the furniture in the lounge upside down and had a rant then told me that I would need to leave the flat if I didn’t like what he was doing. I couldn’t freaking believe his behavior and when I spoke to him about it yesterday morning he refused to accept that he had done something wrong.

I know that I need to talk to him about it and try and get some kind of resolve but all he does is say that the conversation is over. It’s the same kind of thing when it comes to the cleaning needing to be done at home. I haven’t seen him do anything about it in so long and that is like beyond annoying. If it wasn’t for Carl then I doubt I would remain living with Shane due to his jealous nature. I just can’t fathom how he can act like this and think its ok. Any advice on how to handle him?

Questions of the world...

Sometimes feelings of unsatisfaction just seem to take over other wise happy life. I feel like im always on the search for the profound, for the never ending love I crave, for the need to be myself in a world where no one wants me to be. I try so hard to please others and so much of the time I hide who I really am. How many other people out there are doing the same thing?

Searching for satisfaction?
The person who completes you?
Love?
Comfort?

Can we find our way to being the people we want to be or is it just a neverending journey of self discovery? Is it better to feel this way?

I had like five hours sleep last night and most of my night was spent thinking.. I go through theses stages.. .

Have I found that person or will I live a life if unrequited feelings?

Drama- leave me alone!

Well my frustration levels with the world are extremely high at the moment. I just cant escape the drama no matter what I do to avoid it.

Yesterday I was talking to my friend Doug on Facebook who you may remember as my part time stalker. Anyway I haven’t seen him in awhile as he moved outta town and when he got back together with his ex we stopped talking, because I’m guessing she didn’t like me anymore. We were just chatting and stuff and I asked him if he had been to Hadley and Nics place and stuff and we chatted a bit about that and then he dropped a bomb on me and told me that Toni had recently tried to commit suicide.

Now being that those bitches walked outta my life 6 months ago and since then have been nothing but pains in my ass, to be brutally honest, I don’t give a flying fuck about any of them. They don’t matter to me in the slightest. Even so hearing that threw me a little and text Carlos to ask him if it was true which he informed me it was. He then asked me if it was alright that he told her that the rumors were out and I told him it was fine but I wasn’t going to say where I heard it from as that’s not my place.

Just a side note to this as well- only five people know about Tonis attention seeking- Carl, Nic, Hads, Gen and Jordon. The person who told Doug was Marc who would’ve been told by Hadley meaning that they all have serious trust issues with each other if you ask me. Shit these bitches can’t even keep something like that a secret from other people. God im glad im out of that twisted shit.

Anyway me and carlos were texting each other about it the whole way home and then he randomly text me to ask when id be home so I could go for dinner with him if I wanted. I said yip and got home and kncked on his bedroom door as he was in there hiding from our flatmate and he was on the phone to toni. As soon as he got off the phone he sprinted out the door pretty much and made me rush out with him and we left to go get some KFC. While we were waiting carlos had a missed call from our home line and I got a text from toni asking me to call her. When we got home I asked aroha why she had called and she said that Toni and nicola had turned up looking for me! despite the fact carl told Toni on the phone that I wasn’t home when she asked to speak to me and despite the fact I didn’t text her back. Then I got another text from her saying “please can you talk to me I know im asking a lot but you don’t understand blah blah please tell me who said it etc”. after about an hour of thinking about it I text her back and said ‘im only texting you back so you don’t come to my house or call me. Im not going to tell you who told me as im not out to shit stir. All will say is that carl did not tell me and whoever you have told has a big mouth.” Then I got another two messages saying I don’t think your stirring bblah blah and all this other shiz so I text her one last time and said “I understand the severity of suicide-I lost my 9 year old cousin so do not try and guilt trip me. if you are having problems dealing with this then I suggest you reach out to one of your friends or seek professional help. I don’t want anything to do with your groups dramas and I closed the chapter on your part of my life a long time ago and im not going to reopen it. I wont be telling you who said it and would appreciate being left alone.”

And thankfully I didn’t hear from her again tho I later found out that nicola was texting carl trying to get him to make me text toni back and when he said they had no right to ask for my help she said “ ask her how shes going to feel if we get a call tomorrow saying tonis dead and she did nothing to help”

Seriously makes me want to cut a bitch aye. Cant believe they would try that shit! Ugh anyway I feel so much better now ive gotten that out. I wasn’t too harsh towards them was i? cause I feel guilty today although I know that shes not really my responsibility..