Drama- leave me alone!

Well my frustration levels with the world are extremely high at the moment. I just cant escape the drama no matter what I do to avoid it.

Yesterday I was talking to my friend Doug on Facebook who you may remember as my part time stalker. Anyway I haven’t seen him in awhile as he moved outta town and when he got back together with his ex we stopped talking, because I’m guessing she didn’t like me anymore. We were just chatting and stuff and I asked him if he had been to Hadley and Nics place and stuff and we chatted a bit about that and then he dropped a bomb on me and told me that Toni had recently tried to commit suicide.

Now being that those bitches walked outta my life 6 months ago and since then have been nothing but pains in my ass, to be brutally honest, I don’t give a flying fuck about any of them. They don’t matter to me in the slightest. Even so hearing that threw me a little and text Carlos to ask him if it was true which he informed me it was. He then asked me if it was alright that he told her that the rumors were out and I told him it was fine but I wasn’t going to say where I heard it from as that’s not my place.

Just a side note to this as well- only five people know about Tonis attention seeking- Carl, Nic, Hads, Gen and Jordon. The person who told Doug was Marc who would’ve been told by Hadley meaning that they all have serious trust issues with each other if you ask me. Shit these bitches can’t even keep something like that a secret from other people. God im glad im out of that twisted shit.

Anyway me and carlos were texting each other about it the whole way home and then he randomly text me to ask when id be home so I could go for dinner with him if I wanted. I said yip and got home and kncked on his bedroom door as he was in there hiding from our flatmate and he was on the phone to toni. As soon as he got off the phone he sprinted out the door pretty much and made me rush out with him and we left to go get some KFC. While we were waiting carlos had a missed call from our home line and I got a text from toni asking me to call her. When we got home I asked aroha why she had called and she said that Toni and nicola had turned up looking for me! despite the fact carl told Toni on the phone that I wasn’t home when she asked to speak to me and despite the fact I didn’t text her back. Then I got another text from her saying “please can you talk to me I know im asking a lot but you don’t understand blah blah please tell me who said it etc”. after about an hour of thinking about it I text her back and said ‘im only texting you back so you don’t come to my house or call me. Im not going to tell you who told me as im not out to shit stir. All will say is that carl did not tell me and whoever you have told has a big mouth.” Then I got another two messages saying I don’t think your stirring bblah blah and all this other shiz so I text her one last time and said “I understand the severity of suicide-I lost my 9 year old cousin so do not try and guilt trip me. if you are having problems dealing with this then I suggest you reach out to one of your friends or seek professional help. I don’t want anything to do with your groups dramas and I closed the chapter on your part of my life a long time ago and im not going to reopen it. I wont be telling you who said it and would appreciate being left alone.”

And thankfully I didn’t hear from her again tho I later found out that nicola was texting carl trying to get him to make me text toni back and when he said they had no right to ask for my help she said “ ask her how shes going to feel if we get a call tomorrow saying tonis dead and she did nothing to help”

Seriously makes me want to cut a bitch aye. Cant believe they would try that shit! Ugh anyway I feel so much better now ive gotten that out. I wasn’t too harsh towards them was i? cause I feel guilty today although I know that shes not really my responsibility..

Thinking of you..

Well I havnt written in the longest time im sad to say. I don’t know why really I guess I’m just happyish at the moment. I have a lot of stuff to look forward to like Pearl Jam in concert and we just booked our ferry tickets to this event for NYE! I can’t believe how close Christmas is. Its incredible really how fast this year has gone.. Seems like things are constantly changing but for the better.. This time last year I was confused a lot and struggling a lot with girl drama. Now I’m not at all which is fantastic. I’m trying to knuckle down in my job though I still don’t really enjoy it. I finally got a CD that ive been dying to get. It’s the One Tree Hill soundtrack (roadmix) fantastic CD btw. I’ve developed a really different musical taste since I started.. my current play list features The honorary title, Dashboard confessional, The wreckers, Jimmy eat world, Bryan Greenburg, Live, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Tyler Hilton and so many others. I’m getting another tattoo in a month. Theres these flowers that I draw constantly for some reason.. Whenever I’m upset or happy or whatever and I want to get them on my ankle. Three of them in some form or maybe in a line down my other shoulder. What do you guys think.. I’m so sorry I haven’t been commenting on your blogs or anything. Believe me im out there and im reading always.. I just don’t know why im not feeling the urge to comment very often.. but yeah do know that I am still reading.

Some days I feel so good and others I feel so empty.. People always leave and people always lie is always in my head. I don’t really trust people anymore and im trying to work on not giving people so much of myself before I should be. Because inevitably they screw you over. Haha rumors are going around about me and carl. People think were a couple because were always together. There’s something to be said about people who make assumptions to make themselves feel better.. lol im going to put up some photos as well from a recent night out. Was pretty fun. So anyway just thought id catch you all up on my life and let you know im still there.. BonDon if you’re reading this I will add you but my facebook is being a bitch right now! So im totally not snubbing you though if you add me I might be able to accept.

To finish this I want to say RIP to Zach.. My 10 year old cousin who killed him self a year ago today. Our thoughts are never far from you and I hope you’re in a better place xoxo

Wow!

Ok I totally just did it! Did what you may ask? I just applied for a few different cabin crew posistions with a few airlines. I have always wanted to do this but noone has ever approved and given the way all my friendships currently keep turning to shit.. I figure why the hell not. There arent really any posistions available but thats ok ive done this express interest thing and its great! Im happy and it feels good!

On friday night I was mad and told Carl and Shane what had been said. About the girls refusing to even come to the driveway of our house. I know it was the wrong thing to do but when you dont have anyone else to talk to and your venting it will come out. In hindsight it may have come accross as stirring but that was never the intention. Not that anyone believes me. And the story has gotten twisted. After I said that, Shane picked a fight with Nicola about it and of course Nicola has passed it all along. So now noone is talking to me. I couldnt sleep last night.. Its Nicolas bday on friday and the party is at our house. I wont be attending. Oh well. you live and you learn and the one MAJOR lesson I just learnt is not to talk to anyone. You cant trust even your closest friends nowadays. I really hope I get an interview or whatever. Would be so cool. Cause I think its time for me to start over..

Self realisation!

Okay so ive come to the conclusion that in the end a guy will always hurt you. people say that you can never fully close your heart off to love but im so close to that point. Every guy I have ever been with has hurt me. let me tell you a little about my romantic history. Ill name a few guys and we can see how it ends. Im going to go right back to my first ever relationship when I was twelve and then you can understand how I got to the point that im at now. The no turning back heart on ice me that I can feel myself turning into.

• Jade/6 months/12-13: its never great when your that young but I found him in the shower with another girl on valentines.(he was older lol)
• Martin/7 months/14: we met so randomly and in the end I hurt him when I left him for someone else. He was a great guy but would kinda stalk me.he would always be at my bus stop after school etc and never ever left me alone!
• Patrick/1 month/14: I left martin to be with him and the day I lost my virginity to him he cheated on me with his cousin..then left me because he couldn’t see me very often. He spent months trying to get me back and for awhile I went out with him again but it was so dumb. The first cut is the deepest!
• James/5 months/15-16: he was 21 and the quintessential bad boy. He had a serious drug problem in the end and cheated on me one night out. I guess I shoulda stuck with my own age huh? In the end I left hm for the EX.
• The EX aka Sharn/2 and a half years/16-18: he hurt me in more ways then I can count. We broke up..he cheated on me..got back to gether..moved away to be with him and found he had cheated on me again..we almost got back together but after he had mangaged to get me to break up with my bf he wasn’t interested…always want what you cant have huh?
• Travis/3 months or so maybe more/ 18: he was still in love with his ex and me with mine so it was prob doomed from the start. He had a drug prob as well and broke up with me. then when I kept in touch with his lil bro he turned crazy threatened me and stuff. I have a protection order against him now.
• Ben/6 months/19: another one with a drug problem. I saved his ass from rehab. He was meant to be a one night stand cause he wasn’t exactly bf material. But I saw another side to him and fell a little. In the end I found out he had another gf.

So that is my dating history..you all know about Marc. I found out he was seeing someone else at the same time as he was telling me all that bullshit and if you look back at the entry about face book.. that status wasn’t bout me it was bout the other girl..and I think gen knew. Tonz as well im guessing. I think that hurt the most. They saw that I liked him and didn’t say anything.. but enough about that I cant keep dwelling on past hurts. As you can see my track record doesn’t exactly bode for a good outlook. I haven’t had a bf in two years. And I feel like no ones interested!

I spent a lot of time by myself yesterday thinking about my life and what I want. I came to the conclusion that I need to be happy with the person I am before I can expect someone else to want me. I want to loose weight and I finally feel like I have the dirve to do it. Im going to be going running with gen n shane next week and im going to be doing the lemon detox diet to help kick start the person I wanna be. I would like to lose about 20 kgs to get back to the size I used to be cause I think I struggle with my self demons too much and my self image is not good. I want to get out there and do things. Not sit on the couch wasting the day away. Eat fresh food and be less tired. Stop relying on caffeine…I never used to. Its time that I make my life MINE and that I put myself first. I don’t want to be unhappy and I will get back to where I wanna be. So I guess im embarking on a journey. I hope its worth it!

PEACE!

3 posts in one day haha

So its 28 days till the big 21st birthday and counting…and all im getting from everyone is negativity. I wish id never agreed to have it at the house and could of afforded the club. They keep putting so many restrictions on it and obviously unlike gens bday im not going to get any help. It feels a bit weird to be decorating for your own party. Its gonna be such a mission to clean up by myself the next day as well. We cleaned up after gens for her arty while she slept all day. So should be interesting to see me when I wake up cleaning up my house on my actual bday. I feel like I cant invite anymore people to my bday and no ones said anything bout helping all they’ve said is what they want. I know I prob sound like a selfish barat or an obsessive person who over thinks but this is who I am and if youu don’t like it then hit the x in the corner. God im such a juvenile but I guess the fact that they’ve all been talking about it but don’t talk to me doesn’t help. I feel myself pulling further and further away from them all and tho I don’t want it to happen ican see how it will go. I have this habit of fleeing from my problems and that’s what I will do. ive been looking online at jobs overseas as a way of escaping. Would be pretty cool and you know what…I don’t think anyone would miss me…