Stop playing things that make me remember!

Why oh why are they playing the song on the radio that made me fall for The Ex? The day I think I fell for him and there was no turning back sticks in my mind something chronic. We had always been good friends and spent a lot of time together before we hooked up but cause I had a boyfriend I wasn’t looking for more than what we had. We met in my second to last year of school. He was new to school and the first words I said to him where “who the hell are you” followed shortly by “don’t sit with them, their losers”. Yip that’s right folks at one point I was one of those girls that we all loved to hate at school. I guess it was cause that year was my year at school.

Anyway i'm going off on one of my Zara tangents n I should get back to the story. We were in this crazy intense outdoors class that meant the 12 of us that were lucky to be picked made a bond that would last for life. A lot of that year was about conquering fears and pushing my boundaries to a point I don’t think I can go to anymore. One day we were doing the final outdoor part of an exam for school. Now at that point (I was like 16) I was deathly afraid of heights. So when the time came for us to go up on this high ropes course 10 metres off the ground and then walk out on wire only using each other as support…I freaked lol. I couldn’t do it. I was physically shaking and I almost started crying. So here we are up on this high wire facing each other and I am like seriously shittin my pants in fear. Romance had always been predicted for us but denied.. Anyway as I’m up there crying he starts singing… “Lean on me, when you not strong, I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on”. Do ya see why I fell for that SOB? That was it for me. It was probably one of the nicest things a guy has ever done for me. The Ex told me the whole time that we were together that the first day he saw me he said to himself he was gonna fuck me. About a week later he wanted to be with me. 4 months later he was.

The first time he told me he loved me was in a letter. We had been together about two weeks and we had this silly little spat about my ex boyfriend and him. I broke up with and cheated on this guy for the ex but always felt that my 21 year old ex used me for his school girl fantasies. Anyway I hadn’t slept with the ex either. We could spend hours making out but I always stopped it cause I didn’t want him to be taking me for a ride. In the end it came out that I was worried he was using me for sex. We sorted our stuff out and a couple of days later were sitting in English. I was flipping through his book when I found this letter to me in the centre. It was so sweet and reassuring and he signed it “love ya”. That freaked me out something chronic. Two weeks later he told me for real. I found this letter that he had written to an ex when they were together. He had been drinking and we were sitting around at his house when I found it. We ended up chasing each other all over the house and I was trying to climb over his back to get it when he said “I love you”. Wow was that the fastest ive ever run away from a guy lol. Just to go off on a ZARA tangent. why is the radio playing all these songs that make me reminisce at this current time and why cant I be allowed to turn it off! Lol it took me like a week to say it to him but when I did it was great. From then on we were inseparable. Lol at one point our parents banned us from spending time together so that the rest of the world existed!

What if I don’t have firsts with another guy? What if I’m destined to live vicariously through memories? That’s what I worry about. I’m going to be an old maid by the time I’m 22. Two years without a BF is such a long time….

Big balls of fire!

So I don’t really have much to say.. My car caught on fire or whatever on Friday morning so I didn’t go to work. Shane came and rescued me and I couldn’t get to work any other way. It sucked big time. I just spent the day doing nothing and feeding my addiction for one tree hill lol it was fantastic tho! Carl was home and spent the day coming to talk between ad breaks in the cricket so it was cool to spend time with him. I finally fell like we are getting our brother/sister relationship back and it makes me so happy! Him and gen April fools pranked us this morning. Was pretty funny. They hung a scream mask in my bedroom door way which thankfully I found before I stumble out in my half asleep morning stupor lol.. I went to bed uber early for me last night. Like was asleep at like 9.30ish. Tres unusual! But I got woken up by the bodyguard texting me and found the mask. I think I have an old lady bladder. I always need to pee in the night, maybe I should go get that shiz checked out. I’ve been pretty lazy with my blogging lately! Its taken me like 4 days to write this post. I always add like a sentence and then save it to my drafts haha. Grrr im having a fat WEEK at the moment which isn’t helping. But yays were going away camping next weekend for the four day holiday weekend! Its gonna be freezing tho! Oh well will be so worth it!

We had a girl’s night out the other night. Was so awesome. We started with cocktails at Tonz brothers’ house and then caught taxis into town. There was I think 15 of us at one point. I was putting my bartending skills to good use and making everyone toxic as cocktails before we left haha it was awesome! It was such a cool night and we lasted so well considering we statrted drinking at like 6 and didn’t get home till four lol. We briefly saw Hads, marc, Tyler and Doug in town when we were waiting for our ride. We were at the awesome bungalow 8 cranking it on stage! These girls were trying to stealth our place on the platform but we got rid of them. It was great! I loved it. We needa do it more often tho. Tonz invited Tyler away with us over Easter and im hoping he will come tho I seriously doubt it. I duno I don’t think anything will come of my little crush on him to be honest but hey whats a girl to do but try! So anyways this post is all over the show and at the mo my spelling is shocking! Im gonna bounce now yo!

Part 2: Good bye anger!

So in thinking about the changes or adjustments I WANT to make to myself I have come to another realization.. I was asked by my Poppa the other night ( I had dinner with him and my nana before my bday) “what affect my mothers drug problem has had on me?”. I sat there at the table for ages and I struggled to think of what it was. And then I realized. Ive developed a very angry side to me and im so much quicker to anger than I ever used to be. I realized this as I was sitting at my desk getting pissed off at yet another one of my stupid customers that have no meaning to me. shane has in fact commented on my aggression as well. I never really thought about it till today. I could feel this intense anger boiling inside of me because of said customers and I had to wonder why. I wasn’t being irrational but I wasn’t being the most peaceful person.

So that’s bought me to the thoughts of working on that side of myself as well. I don’t want to be an angry person who cant control thier temper. Im probably one of the most laid back girls you will ever come across. In fact im more boy than girl in my attitudes to a lot of things.. why should I let a stupid temper ive developed turn into something it doesn’t need to be? This whole working on myself and who I am thing is going to be hard work but if im not happy with myself then whats the point in being who I am?

I remember the days in the old school yard (love Cat Stevens) when things were so simple. Whose party was worth going to.. where were we gonna hang after school? Which beach to wag at? Hoes over Bros always..Dont you miss those days?

Self realisation!

Okay so ive come to the conclusion that in the end a guy will always hurt you. people say that you can never fully close your heart off to love but im so close to that point. Every guy I have ever been with has hurt me. let me tell you a little about my romantic history. Ill name a few guys and we can see how it ends. Im going to go right back to my first ever relationship when I was twelve and then you can understand how I got to the point that im at now. The no turning back heart on ice me that I can feel myself turning into.

• Jade/6 months/12-13: its never great when your that young but I found him in the shower with another girl on valentines.(he was older lol)
• Martin/7 months/14: we met so randomly and in the end I hurt him when I left him for someone else. He was a great guy but would kinda stalk me.he would always be at my bus stop after school etc and never ever left me alone!
• Patrick/1 month/14: I left martin to be with him and the day I lost my virginity to him he cheated on me with his cousin..then left me because he couldn’t see me very often. He spent months trying to get me back and for awhile I went out with him again but it was so dumb. The first cut is the deepest!
• James/5 months/15-16: he was 21 and the quintessential bad boy. He had a serious drug problem in the end and cheated on me one night out. I guess I shoulda stuck with my own age huh? In the end I left hm for the EX.
• The EX aka Sharn/2 and a half years/16-18: he hurt me in more ways then I can count. We broke up..he cheated on me..got back to gether..moved away to be with him and found he had cheated on me again..we almost got back together but after he had mangaged to get me to break up with my bf he wasn’t interested…always want what you cant have huh?
• Travis/3 months or so maybe more/ 18: he was still in love with his ex and me with mine so it was prob doomed from the start. He had a drug prob as well and broke up with me. then when I kept in touch with his lil bro he turned crazy threatened me and stuff. I have a protection order against him now.
• Ben/6 months/19: another one with a drug problem. I saved his ass from rehab. He was meant to be a one night stand cause he wasn’t exactly bf material. But I saw another side to him and fell a little. In the end I found out he had another gf.

So that is my dating history..you all know about Marc. I found out he was seeing someone else at the same time as he was telling me all that bullshit and if you look back at the entry about face book.. that status wasn’t bout me it was bout the other girl..and I think gen knew. Tonz as well im guessing. I think that hurt the most. They saw that I liked him and didn’t say anything.. but enough about that I cant keep dwelling on past hurts. As you can see my track record doesn’t exactly bode for a good outlook. I haven’t had a bf in two years. And I feel like no ones interested!

I spent a lot of time by myself yesterday thinking about my life and what I want. I came to the conclusion that I need to be happy with the person I am before I can expect someone else to want me. I want to loose weight and I finally feel like I have the dirve to do it. Im going to be going running with gen n shane next week and im going to be doing the lemon detox diet to help kick start the person I wanna be. I would like to lose about 20 kgs to get back to the size I used to be cause I think I struggle with my self demons too much and my self image is not good. I want to get out there and do things. Not sit on the couch wasting the day away. Eat fresh food and be less tired. Stop relying on caffeine…I never used to. Its time that I make my life MINE and that I put myself first. I don’t want to be unhappy and I will get back to where I wanna be. So I guess im embarking on a journey. I hope its worth it!

PEACE!

TGIF!!

So I haven’t really got much to say..ive had such a cruisy week in all senses. Works been easy although its Friday at 9am and this shiz be dragging me down already! My FB status is “Woop Woop Its Friday! Roll On 4pm! Dang Nabbit Work Done Be Already Draggin Pa!” lol. Surprisingly there hasn really been any drama in the house apart from a few peeps snapping at each other and what not but come on what do ya expect when you put 5 good friends in a house together lol. Gen got so mad at me yesterday cause carlos was winding her up (it was hilarious) when we popped down to the mall to get a few things for our bbq tonight. in the end she kinda stormed off and was walking towards the supermarket when Nic was like ok whats up and I said carlos appears to be in…Big mistake lol. When you say one of the boys is in it means in the doghouse. Probably not the best terminology but oh well haha!

Were all going away for the four day easter weekend when we eventually hear back from tonz and it should be quite interesting going with 2 couples and tonz haha. Way to make that singleness stand out. Me and carl were talking for so long about it. He keeps giving me shit about the bodyguard saying I should tap him lol. Oh well if I actually talked with him I could work my voodoo charm lmao! God while I may be happy my life is insanely boring if this is what im resorting to talking about lol! Yays tomorrow me n my girls are going out for lunch then to see confessions of a shopaholic. The boys are going to drive down to htown to watch the cricket match if Pakistan is batting. Apparently this guy tendalkar is a legend!

As im typing this I feel so damn nauseous! Why oh why do girls have this crap to contend with lol. I seriously do wish and think I should have been born a boy tho I don’t think sex would be anywhere near as good hahaha! Man I ramble about a lot of shit aye. Im going to do this diet next week called the lemon detox diet. I think its gonna be pretty hard because all you have is this drink and tea for a whole week but its meant to help you give up smoking and to help you lose upto 10gs in that week. Its also so good for cleansing out all the booze and shite that I put in my body. I really hope I can achieve this! Would be so awesome to give up smoking and to lose weight and clear my skin etc.

I have a serious one tree hill addiction to go off on a new tangent! Why am I so all over the place haha I stayed up late to watch an episode. It helps I am in love with the guy who played JAKE. I wanna have his babies I tell ya! But I digress! Im going to do some editing to my blog I think it is trey boring!

Peace out holmes!

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

So im officially 21! Jealous much? Haha nah I feel a wee bit older but other than that I just plain feel tired! Im proud to say I remember my whole night and have no blanks despite the volume of booze I consumed!

Saturday started off well. I went out for brunch with my mum and aunty and we just hung out and talked the morning away which was nice. I found out that I have a brother who my own bio dad hasn’t even met. So that’s pretty weird to know that, like what if ive met him and don’t even know? Its been on my mind ever since then and it gives me even more reason to meet this father of mine. My aunty gave me the coolest collage of my family and some stuff to do with the native tribe im from which means a lot. I have no understanding of my Maori side so I do want to learn for sure. My auntys present goes perfectly with the key mum and paul my step dad gave me. I love it so much. Im gonna post a few photos uup so ill make sure I do that. I don’t actually have much to say about the party. I think I am now a legend lol. I did 8 yager bombs and drunk prob 10 vodkas and was still standing at the end of the night! Very unusual for a 21st. I did however chuck at the end of the night when we got home. damn denny’s chilli fries weren’t sitting well in my tummy I guess. Im still pretty tired aye! I went to bed at like 5 on Sunday morning and was up before 9. I guess that redbull was well and truly making its way through my blood stream. Haha we went n got bigmacs for breakfast and then cleaned up after the party. I felt so gross when all the alcohol started sweating it out.

Marc and the bodyguard didn’t stay long but I had quite a few people who did! It was so nice to see who came and who didn’t and see you know who is really there for you. I cant express how much it meant to me to have the others there ya know. Me n carlos seem to be repairing our relationship which is awesome. Im really stoked. I was back to calling him my big brother on sturday which I think was good for both of us.

Nic left early with hads which was disappointing. He was so tired like asleep at one of the tables tired but still… she was pretty gutted specially cause they ended up having a fight… she was just like “I left my best friends 21st for this crap.”. me n nic have come a long way I think. We had a nice talk on Saturday and she said some very nice things.

Im pretty damn lucky I didn’t have a heart attack drinking that many red bulls haha. The boys got me four n then the girls got me another 7 seperatly buut I only ended up doing 8/ tonz was so far trashed that she couldn’t stand and was vomiting! Not a pretty sight. Kinda disappointing as well but hey not much I can do now! Anyways I needa catch up on my work so heres some photos and ill post some more later!

Family Ties

Well I may be about to take a massive step. As I mentioned in my last post, my bio father hasn’t exactly been in my life and ive started contact with the family again after nearly 20 years. I may be flying down to meet them in a month or so for Easter weekend. It’s a big step but I feel as if im ready to do it, they are my flesh and blood and I want them in my life and a part of it. I spoke to my aunty Roriana for the first time in my life last night. I was very very emotional afterwards but it was so good to talk to her. Im meeting her either on Friday or Saturday for brunch and to hang out. She said she has made me a collage of the family and stuff so that’s a really cool birthday present. If I do go down at easter it will be with gen n carlos. Were gonna fly down and then drive the rest of the 6 hours to get to where all my family will be. Its my uncles headstone unveiling so I don’t think I willl be able to deal with all the stuff on my own. And a holiday is always good times so just gotta see what happens after work when I see the others. Hopefully this comes to fruition.

Wow im 3 days away from turning 21. im so looking forward to it. I have about 50 or so people coming as well so that’ll be interesting. Carls sister who I had a massive fight ith last year asked if they were invited so that’s good. Weve recently started talking again and stuff so its still very strained and we don’t exactly hang out but it will be cool if they come. I had her and her husband on the invite list but in the end I wasn’t sure if I should say anything. Im glad heidi bought it up! God im so nervous and excited!!!!