Reflection Photos!

I love this photo of me n Nic Having a shot on a girls night!







This is classic as well! Awesome roadtrip! Im a dancing queen haha

Love these two! Two of my favourite boys!

Me n my BFF's Me n the girls!


My little sis n me The view on one of our holidays!


With our crusty snowman! My beautiful country!

Crissity Cross like a unicorns horns!

EXCITING TIMES!
I’m so sure I should be way more excited than what I am being that it’s a mere 4 DAYS away from only the best day of the year! Haha I crack myself up! So any who moving on to much more enthralling or rather disturbing news! I tracked down the ex on facebook today and now I’m sitting here kicking myself asking what is wrong with me?? like why do I feel the need to even find him…I’m not going to add him even though if I wasn’t typing this id be sitting on my hands to prevent such action.. I don’t need to see him or talk to him or anything yet I still feel that slight pull of curiosity to see what he’s doing and how he is etc. is that weird? Or just plain stupid?

In other news I can’t get this boy aka the bodyguard off my mind. It was such a weird situation on Saturday night. I don’t even know why I’m thinking about him. He doesn’t have an interest and if he does it was only cause he was drunk... its so super slutty for me to hook up with marc and have that whole mind fuck relationship with him then nearly hook up with doug or kiss him followed by being all cuddly and attached at the hip to Tyler.. Perhaps I need to not hang out with them haha. I’m a bit nervous to see Tyler!

On Saturday morning I’m meeting one of my biological father’s sisters for the first time. So that’s gonna be interesting for sure. On top of all the stress I have this. I want to do it because they are my family but I’m still crapping myself that it will be awkward or it wont happen or whatever. I met two of his other sisters back in like October or whatever last year and that went well but I haven’t had much contact since then. I have a total of 10 aunties and uncles on that side of the family and over 40 cousins that I haven’t met. How crazy is that? I guess its just protocol when you have a dead beat dad who doesn’t seem to have an interest. My aunty said she showed him my facebook photos and stuff and that he was a bit emotional but come on father NZ is a small place its not like I’m hard to find yah know. I just don’t understand how someone can become a father or a mother and just disappear form their child’s life. The last time I saw him was in March of 1994. He came to see me and bought me an Easter egg and that was it. He has sent me letters back in like 2001 and I told him how it was and said I wanted to keep in touch but then he never did. I’m not looking for him to be my father I just want to see this person who is half of who I am. I want to know my family history. If he thinks of me or loves me or misses me. I suppose the resounding communication silence at his end makes it a little hard but come on… pick up a phone and call me.

When I started this quest to meet these people back in like September last year I thought I would see him. I’ve always wanted to do this and with my 21st approaching I felt it was now or never... I wouldn’t change the life I have and i'm incredibly grateful to the man I consider to be my dad. Turning 21 may not be a big deal to some people but to me it will be the biggest milestone of my life! I’m thankful to my incredible parents for getting me this far... I have never been the perfect child and although they took me to hell and back I did the same. Now is a time for reflection of how lucky I am. My sister is amazing and I love her to pieces. I am lucky to have a young healthy extended family. Sorry about the rambling criss cross nature of this post. As I think I write it down.

Haha I keep getting distracted by one of my workmates trying to hype me up for my birthday so I better go! I’m going to post some photos as well though but that will be in another post. Just some family shots and some old school friend ones.

Stupid Computers! And a weekend update...

well i just wrote the longest ever post and then my computer fucked out so thats all down the drain now!

Ok well im gonna do some bullet points to give you the quick rundown cause im so not gonna type all of what I said out again!

1- I nearly hooked up with the bday boy aka “the bodyguard”. Towards the end of the night we were all over each other and he kept talking to me about doug and how im way too good for him etc and deserve only the best. It was really sweet. We were holding hands and hugging and stuff all night! We woulda looked like a couple to outsiders. Till he got called away. I was so sad haha.

2- doug kissed me n I told him to piss off. He kept trying to talk to me but I avoided him and told him I was way to drunk to deal with this shit. I think he got the hint. I havnt heard from him again!

3- marcs STUPID girlfriend officially hates me. she thought I was tryna steal her man. WTF!!!!! It aint my fault im more fun than her and me n marc are friends. I wonder if she knows what actually went on with me n him!

4- Nic n hads are officially a couple now. Its so good im so happy for them!

5- I feel like a dick after how drunk I was. Who ever said that drinking straight from the wine bottle is a good idea was VERY sadly mistaken. Never again!

6- what is wrong with me that I have to tell nic and hads that ive always been attracted to tyler and wanna hook up with him?

7- 5 days till my birthday! I cant freaking wait tho im having slight panic attacks that no one will show up!

8- im a bit nervous to see tyler again.

9- umm not sure what else I have going on but yeah that’s my update guys.

10- I met two hot guys- Kelly and Adam that are crazy and so much fun! Hopefully we hang out with them again!

I need some advice tho. Should I be feeling embarrassed bout the Tyler thing and was I too mean to doug?

*******UPDATE*********
doug just text me to apologize for his behaviour so thats good!

Bringin the LOL's

I am bringing the lol’s today. I just spoke to nic while she was on her lunch break and she informed me that the THREE girls that doug is currently sleeping with and me his current flavour of the month will all be at the bodyguards 21st tomorrow night. Hads is betting that either he will get bitch slapped or these girls will cause a ruckus. I cant wait to watch on the sidelines tho I will be so pissed if it comes back on me. ive been putting off the hint that im not keen by not texting him etc but its not working apparently. Oh well im still amping for tomorrow night.

Yay I finally got a dress for my birthday! I cant wait for everyone to see it once ive taken some photos etc. its like mid thigh length halter dress with all these bright colours and stuff. The base colour is black but the rest of it is colour. I love it soo much it was like love at first sight! Im currently sitting at my desk at work waiting for 4 o clock to roll round so I can go home and begin my weekend. Work is so boring today. And it doesn’t seem like theres much going on in the world as well. I t doesn’t help I just went out for a ciggy break so ive lost my train of thought. Ihhh im getting my hair done tomorrow so that’s awesome. Its been like nearly a year since Ive had my highlights donw so will be nice to have my hair all good again. Getting a cut as well!

9 days left!

Well I don’t really have anything new to report..everything seems to be running smoothly in my life at the mo. Im uber excited cause its only 9 days till my 21st!!! I haven’t been able to find an outfit as yet but meh! Im not bothered! I made cd’s and stuff last night and tonz is making some for me so its cool. My mummy is making my photo boards and getting me a key and doing all the food with my dad! I really cant wait for this but at the same time im nervous. Doug was texting me last night and I told him how I felt About my 21st and he sent me the nicest text..i just have to share it! It went like this-

“Trust me you have nothing to worry about. You have heaps of great friends who clearly love you to bits. Your one of the coolest chicks ive met and your beautiful to boot. Believe me when I say nothing can go wrong :-)”

I read it and was just like awww that’s so sweet. Its so hard to decided what I want from him. He annoys me and stuff but hes so sweet and he makes this major effort. And its so nice to feel wanted! Ahhhh! Oh well im sure the answer will come at my bodyguards bday! I cant wait! And im getting my hair done with gen on Saturday morning. So gonna be looking good!

Warning Signs!

Okayyyyy…

So it would appear that Marc and Hads are worried about me… Nic confeesed to Hads on Sunday night that they were… I rang nic yesterday after work, cause we talk on the way home most days and she told me. I couldn’t quite believe it. They think he is going to hurt me. but it was helpful to know hes sleeping with three people at the mo. I knew he wasn’t jut chasing me but omg come on! It kinda rang alarm bells for me that his own besties are worried bout me hooking up with him. And being that im still undecided it doesn’t help. Hes really harassing me now about meeting up! So I needa decide what to do! specially cause it’s the Bodyguards 21st this weekend so he will def be there. Me n nic are gonna get fucked up haha. Should be such an awesome night! I cant freaking wait! That and my 21st is like 11 days away! Aghhhh so soon!

Also another thing that pissed me off last night was Ben n Alex (my two oldest guy mates) randomly showed up shirtless and carrying a chilly bin filled with beer and bourbon haha. Man have those boys filled out since high school ;-). Anyway Doug was texting me non stop as per usual and Ben noticed my phone going off and came and sat on my knee to read all my texts lol and asked me a few questions etc. then Gen decided to show them a pic of Doug and Ben n Alex and Gen got on this huge trip of telling me not to hook up with him. I actually had Ben n Alex sitting on either side of me going you are too good for him please don’t do it you deserve better blah blah. It was kinda hurtful and upsetting. Not to mention Carl got them started on me being a lesbian. They keep telling me they will still love me if I am lol but there aint no way that I am thank you! I like my penis far too much haha. Well this post is kind of a rant/? Who knows but im confused about Doug.

Should I listen to my boys comments bout their own boy or do I just go against it all? Im so confused..i know I don’t really find Doug attractive but with everyone being hooked up I wanna have some fun…

I have a little bit extra to add! I have a major owie on my leg! Alex whipped me with the wet dish cloth last night and now i have a fat as bruise! Hahaha go the war trophies!

I finally did it ya'll!

Well I finally relented on Doug and invited him over on Saturday night! I’ve been sooo sick for the last four days! Like I missed work on Thursday cause I had had a headache for the last 3 days and it got quite bad then I started vomiting on Friday! That wasn’t fun! Tho I ate a caramel yoghurt then threw up and it smelt quite nice! Ewww I don’t know why I shared that! It just made my stomach turn lol.

But yeah back to Doug before I vomit again! I decided cause there was no one in the house except Nic n Hadley to let him come over but he had already made plans so I got rejected lol. Nah not really to be fair I did only decide to invite him over at like 8.30! Probably shoulda given him more notice. He kept asking to come over on Saturday but I wouldn’t give him an answer. I guess I find it hard to have him around because everyone gives me so much shit about him and I guess im slightly apprehensive…but anyways I ended up telling him to come watch a DVD- “house bunny” I actually felt dumber after watching it!- so he came round not long after I text him and watched the movie with us..After that we all ended up sitting round and talking while gen n Carl and Nic were in bed. Shane was being so funny and it looked like baby Tonz n Shane were gonna bang again…either that or kill each other haha. Anyways in the end Tonz caught a taxi home and Shane passed out on the couch! I tried to get him to go to bed but all he would do was kick me and call me a “black bastard” in a south African accent. So I told Doug I was tired and kicking him out and he wanted to see my photos before he left. He came in o my room and we talked for a little while then I walked him to the door and he kissed me! And man was it a good kiss. Like we are really good together! In the end I pushed him out the door but I keep thinking about the kiss! Man! Lol do you know what I mean? One of those actual sparks fly first kisses!

So now I don’t know what to do..as bad as it sounds Doug is not my normal type and I feel like everyone is looking down on me for hooking up with him..and him and marc are best friends ya know…like that’s weird. Specially cause he bought it up yesterday…also he only wants one thing…and I don’t know if I would be able to put the emotional barrier up for long.. Hmmm advice guys please!